I just recently came across an article about Elizabeth Day (in The Times), the author and host of the podcast ‘How to Fail’, where she was describing how she has made peace with not becoming a mother, after trying to conceive for decades. She also mentions she’s passionate about helping other women transform the shame they feel around being childless. I actually feel happy and validated when I hear that, as I know from experience now, that mostly, this subject of being childless feels so silent and is very often met with silence (or pity or a bunch of other projections/ interrogations at times). Even I, am still part of the problem of course (I feel at times), as even though I work with childless women, it took me a long time to be ‘comfortable’ mentioning that I work with childless women or to even explain why I chose that as one of my paths (it is not the only one 😉). Why would that be? I’m sure there are many different reasons of why it might be a ‘silent’ subject. It doesn’t really sound ‘sexy’, or ‘fun’, heavy emotions are involved, and women (or their partners) all respond in various and personal ways to childlessness of course. Even I, as a psychologist (in the Netherlands), one would think oh she knows ‘everything’ how to talk and cope with things, but honestly, I am also human and come with my own big blind spots as well at times 😉. I never even knew childlessness would sucker punch me in the chest until I turned 39. When I guess that dreaded ‘you need to ‘get’ one (a baby) now or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life’ advise shows up (well before that age I’d say I kept receiving those suggestions). At that time I was single, and had no desire of getting a child through a random stranger just for the sake of having a child before I couldn’t. Of course, if all ducks would have been in a row earlier, I would have loved to be a mother (originally I remember thinking as a kid I’ll have kids when I’m 23, 25 and 27, perfectly ‘scheduled ;)’, and still plenty of time to be ‘young’ when the kids are ‘older’ ;). Well, that didn’t happen ;). And in the back of my mind, I always did think that ‘later, when things work out, just like they do for everyone else, that might happen’ , but I guess they never did, and at 39 I also found out that I have PMOS, so I also knew that whole trajectory of trying to conceive would not be ‘easy’, let alone considering my age and not wanting to raise a child by myself. And I’ve never wanted to stress myself or give myself pressure for ‘needing’ to have children before a certain age, as a first step would be, to be in a loving relationship where I (and the man 😉) would feel good and have the best life together, because I consider (and still do), that to be the foundation, before a possible path to having children. AND if the bonus on top of that all that deliciousness would have been a child/kids that would have been an amazing bonus, but I only saw that as a second step, if that would have been an option…not the other way around. And, the fact that at times it didn’t even feel like ‘a choice’ as I feel with the PMOS it made it difficult anyway, so I felt the actual choice or consideration of actually having children was ‘taken’ away from me anyway ( I know, I know, there are always choices…but I never felt (even as I was younger), that I would want to go through IVF for example). I know from having heard many stories and seen experiences, that that is an extremely challenging road, and it’s just not something that I would have done, it has never felt right for me (that does not mean that I wouldn’t have loved to be a mother or have a family, don’t get me wrong). It also frustrated me as I realized, wait a minute, my body ‘should’ be able to have a baby, so that’s a whole other thing in itself (with a bunch of other ‘fun’ side effects of PMOS, perhaps more on that later). Even though, obviously amazing if you do decide to be a mother on your own, I always knew I would have wanted to be parents together, if it was ever going to happen. I didn’t want to give myself crap about not being mother, or to start blaming myself for my earlier path of life, because hey, circumstances. And still, at that age of 39 (and of course at times still) that whole thought process can mess with my or other’s sense of worthiness as a woman. And when I’ve spoken to other women who are childless, the most common theme they mention is shame, fear, and / or anger towards their body or their situation, and the pressure of time, for example. And I wouldn’t want any woman to live in those feelings any longer than they should. I’ve always loved and appreciated life, and I don’t want childlessness, even though a huge defining factor in someone’s life (which yes, this will come back to you in different life stages), and mine, to become the ‘damper’ on your life, or for any women to feel smaller, ‘less than other mothers’. No way!! I want you to feel good about yourself, feel good within your body, rest in your inner body wisdom and soak up all this deliciousness this life has to offer and unapologetically walk your own beautiful path of life, whatever that may be for you✨!
So reading an article about Elizabeth Day makes me happy, that yes, the feelings of the complexities of childlessness are valid, and yes, there is still so much light and a full life possibility, even after that dreaded ‘now or never’ phase. Not to say that I’m not for motherhood, let that be clear. I love all the mothers and they are amazing troopers (and their amazing kiddos) as I know from having seen my sisters and my wonderful friends become amazing mothers💖, but I feel proud to be one of the women also working with women on transforming their shame, or any other heavy feels around childlessness, and creating a full and alive life, beyond the box of childlessness.
If you recognize yourself in this piece (and you don’t have to…the path to childlessness is so different for any woman). But if you’re wondering how to move forward and still know deep down you want more for your life, and still desire to create a life that goes beyond the ‘childlessness box’, then I’m here for you🌿! I’ll guide you to rest into your own inner body wisdom, which leads you to feeling more alive, confident, flow, pleasure, fulfilled and able to create a delicious, authentic and aligned life, for you✨!
I invite you to book your free connection call to see whether this coaching is a good fit for you. If so, then I’m happy to share the ways we can work together. Book your spot here: https://calendly.com/marianne-van-der-reest/free-connection-call
